No doubt someone has told you by now that the sure-fire way to cure infertility is to relax and think positively. But, whilst you may have tried reciting affirmations, batting away ‘negative’ thoughts, and taken up yoga, those feelings of despair and hopelessness are still with you and now you’re starting to wonder whether you’ve somehow thought yourself into infertility.
You haven’t.
The truth is: struggling to conceive is really hard.
A whole host of therapists, fertility coaches, doctors and scientists will tell you that managing stress and avoiding catastrophic thinking is good for you. But, anyone who knows their stuff will also tell you that difficult feelings are part of a normal, healthy human experience. Whilst there is no question that looking on the bright side can enhance physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, there is a danger in demonising less comfortable feelings.
A study of the psychological impact of infertility found that levels of depression in patients dealing with infertility were comparable to those with a cancer diagnosis.* Another study on PTSD following ectopic pregnancies or miscarriages found that 40% met the criteria for moderate to severe PTSD.** Simply booking a holiday and scribbling a few affirmations on post-it notes is not going to cut it.
The over-simplification of thoughts and feelings as ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ often leaves couples lurching between hope and despair, rather than working with the full gamut of reasoning and emotions. The expectation that you should maintain a relentlessly optimistic perspective, no matter where your fertility journey takes you, is unrealistic and unhelpful.
The real power of positivity comes when we hold it alongside more challenging feelings, like a candle in the dark. It is not necessary to eradicate challenging thoughts and feelings. Instead, you may find you can balance fear with courage, despair with laughter, caution with hope, pain with joy. And, even in the darkest days when it seems impossible to find any light, the mere act of keeping going is a powerful one.
The idea that it’s not alright to be angry, unhappy, resentful or afraid is emotional discrimination. All of your feelings are valuable tools. They let you know what you need and can push you to reach out for support, expertise and resources that can help.
So what does a healthy fertility mindset look like?
Don’t try to supress negative thoughts
The thoughts that pop into your head provide valuable insight into your beliefs and wellbeing. Attempting to ignore them or push them away is like digging up weeds without tackling the roots. Until you dig out every last bit, they will continue to grow back bigger and stronger. Next time you find yourself being pessimistic or critical, get curious:
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Where does this thought come from?
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Is it true?
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Do I have any evidence that it’s absolutely true?
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How does thinking this thought make me feel?
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Is there a kinder, more compassionate way to think about this (what would I say to a good friend?)
When Positivity Conflicts with Reality
Positivity shouldn’t be about being dishonest with yourself. The definition of positive is that something is ‘present’ – as in a ‘positive’ pregnancy test - and ‘not fictitious’. Positivity that is unfounded can feel precarious, to say the least.
A repetitive mantra of, ‘I will be pregnant this cycle’, after successive negative tests is likely to feel hollow, rather than filling you with hope. And, if the test is then negative, you will feel let down, at best. Instead, you might try something like: ‘there’s a good chance I could be pregnant this cycle’, or ‘I have done everything I can to conceive this cycle’
Develop Mental Agility
If you find yourself oscillating from absolute confidence to un-mitigating despondency, you may be falling into black and white thinking. It’s important to remember that there are not only shades of grey but a whole rainbow of other colours too. It is rare that something is completely one thing or totally another.
Phrases like ‘no-one’, ‘always’ and ‘never’ often indicate that you’re making generalisations. Do good things really ‘never’ happen to you? Of course not.
It’s important to evaluate things as they really are, not better and not worse.
Thinking without doing gets you nowhere
Think of it like using a navigational system. The mere act of entering your destination won’t get you there. Sadly, this type of teleportation only exists in the realms of Star Trek. Instead, getting clear on what’s important to you provides a point to head for. With that in place, you can make your way, one step at a time.
This works in reverse too. Having a negative thought about your fertility whilst attempting to get pregnant – whether that be peeing on ovulation sticks, taking supplements, having more sex around ovulation than you really feel like, following a fertility friendly diet, listening to fertility visualisations or going through fertility treatment –
will not undermine your efforts.
One of the most important lessons that satnav teaches is, no matter how many times you hit a road-block or veer off course, you can re-calculate and keep going. You still know where you’re heading.
Infertility is not your fault
There are situations in your life that can’t be changed, no matter how upbeat you are. Sometimes terrible and tragic things happen and it’s important to know that you did not manifest these things by not being vigilant enough in your thinking.
When faced with fertility struggles, cheeriness is clearly not the answer. Instead, the positive emotion needed here is the strength and bravery to be with your feelings and work through them, taking the journey one step at a time.
It can be helpful to look at the way you are thinking about your situation and see if there are adjustments that you can make. You don’t have to be okay with what’s happening, but you might find ways to view it that make the journey more manageable.
I Just ‘know’ it’s not going to happen for us
This is something I hear a lot. So many of my clients experience a ‘feeling’ that they just aren’t going to have a baby.
The brain is of a predictive nature. That means that it calculates what it thinks will happen based on what has happened in the past. If you haven’t carried a baby to term in the past, your brain is likely to expect that you won’t. That isn’t you being pessimistic; it’s just the way your brain works.
What is super important for you to understand is that:
your brain is often wrong.
So many of the clients I have had who ‘just knew’ they wouldn’t get pregnant, had a wonderful surprise!
If you would like emotional support on your fertility journey, do get in touch with our hypnotherapist and Fertile Body Method coach, Kerry Dolan.
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* Domar AD, Zuttermeister PC, Friedman R. The psychological impact of infertility: a
comparison with patients with other medical conditions. J Psychosom Obstet
Gynaecol. 1993;14 Suppl:45-52. PMID: 8142988.
** Farren J, Jalmbrant M, Ameye L, et al
Post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression following miscarriage or ectopic
pregnancy: a prospective cohort study
BMJ Open 2016;6:e011864. doi: 10.1136/bmjopen-2016-011864